i need your grace (to remind me to find my own)
by softiesharpie
Summary: It’s been three days since Sara broke up with Ava and Sara's starting to realize she made a big mistake. This is set after their breakup in 3x15.


Three days.

It had been three days since Sara broke up with Ava, three days since they've spoken, three days since Sara did what she thought was right.

Sara didn't want to break up with Ava, quite the opposite, in fact. She couldn't remember the last time she was this happy and content in a relationship. But, Ava wasn't like her. She wasn't weighed down by her past demons and she, in Sara's opinion, was too good for her.

Sara figured that eventually, Ava would decide that this was too much. That she'd want someone with less baggage, someone who had a normal life and a normal job, someone who didn't still struggle with bloodlust everyday. Someone who didn't have such a complicated past. Sara thought she was doing what was best for Ava, letting her go before they were too attached. (Truthfully, Sara knew she was already too attached to Ava).

She thought this was what needed to be done, that she was doing the right thing. But now, standing in the main room of the Waverider, alone and heartbroken, Sara was starting to think breaking up with Ava was a mistake.

Ava knew about her past before she'd even met her. Ava knew about the people she'd killed, about what she had to do to survive, about the hardships she'd been through before she became a Legend. And yet... she still went on a date with Sara. She still gave Sara a chance, still chose to stay the night after their first time and have breakfast with Sara in the galley, even after Zari awkwardly walked in on them.

Ava was one of a kind, and she was nothing like Sara would've expected her to be when they first met.

Sara could still remember the look of pure happiness on Ava's face when Sara's called her her girlfriend for the first time. Ava had looked at her like she was light and good, like she was her world. Despite Sara's past, Ava still saw her as someone who was good and deserving of love.

"And then I broke her heart." Sara said to herself and frowned, replying their last interaction in her mind. Ava had been so ready to talk to Sara about her getting possessed and was excited to spend the night on the ship. And then Sara broke her heart. Sara didn't know what she'd been expecting, but when she heard the portal close behind Ava after she left, she felt her stomach drop and an emptiness she hadn't felt in awhile spread through her.

She pondered that night for awhile, the rest of the team being smart and giving her space.

Then, she decided that she could fix this. They'd only been broken up for three days, she could call Ava and ask her to come over so she could apologize. She could explain why she did what she did and ask for her forgiveness.

Hope blossomed in Sara's chest at the thought of possibly being able to get back together with Ava.

With newfound confidence, she looked at the ceiling and said, "Gideon, can you call Ava please?"

"Right away, Captain. Dialing: Ava Sharpe." Gideon replied quickly.

Sara looked at the screen, starting to get more and more nervous. What if Ava didn't pick up?

She nearly leapt with joy when the call was answered but her expression dropped when it wasn't Ava staring back at her, but Gary. He looked to be in casual clothes and he wasn't in the office.

Sara frowned. "Gary? Where's Ava?" She panicked, not knowing why Gary answered Ava's phone but she immediately assumed that something had happened to her.

Gary ignored her question. "Why are you calling, Miss Lance?"

Sara narrowed her eyes, eyeing Gary carefully. She noticed a look on his face that she'd never seen before. It was a look of tentative, yet determined protectiveness.

"Um... I just..." Sara cleared her throat awkwardly, the confidence she'd had was wearing off now that it wasn't Ava on the other line. "I wanted to talk to Ava... about what happened between us." She explained and bit her lip.

Gary's jaw tightened slightly and he glanced up at something before looking back at Sara. "She's busy right now. You'll have to call another time." He said.

"She's... busy?" Sara furrowed her brows, not understanding what was going on. "Where is she?" She was starting to worry again.

"She's safe. And healthy... well, physically healthy." Gary said the last sentence in a hardened voice, wanting to see what Sara would do next.

Sara sighed. The guilt she'd been feeling since the break up increased tenfold. "Look, I know what I did wasn't okay. She didn't deserve for me to... to break up with her. Especially right after I called her my girlfriend. That's why I'm calling... to apologize to her and make things right." She said, it was difficult for her to show this kind of vulnerability with Gary.

The Agent seemed to think about that for a moment, glancing up again and saying, "she's taking a nap right now... she hasn't gotten out of bed in a couple days. I've never seen her like this before. I mean, she's had her moments but this is... different. She hasn't eaten and I can barely get her to drink water. I'm worried about her." He rambled, seeming to revert back to his anxious self now that he knew that Sara wasn't going to hurt Ava.

Sara was instantly worried. That wasn't like Ava. Even when Ava had to become Director practically overnight, she still was levelheaded about it. She'd seen Ava have bad days but... laying despondent in bed for that long didn't seem like her at all.

"Shit." She didn't know what to say. It felt like her guilt was eating her alive. "Shit. I fucked up." She realized. She started pacing, knowing Gideon would keep the camera on her so Gary could still see her.

"I thought I was doing what was right... I thought I was protecting her." It was Sara's turn to ramble, and Gary has never seen the Captain look this disheveled before.

Gary sighed and glanced back up again. "Ava doesn't need protection. She can take care of herself." He pointed out, deciding to leave the bedroom so he wouldn't accidentally wake Ava.

Once he closed the door, he said, "I trust her judgment. She sees she good in you... you know, she was so happy after you asked her out. She couldn't stop smiling and giggling... I've never seen her that happy before. You did that."

Sara was then aware that her cheeks were wet and realized was a jolt that she was crying. She quickly wiped away her tears and sniffed. "I did that." She repeated and smiled.

Gary nodded, seeing a side of Sara that he was sure wasn't out often. "You did. But... you also broke her heart and you need to fix that." He reminded her.

"I did... I need to fix this." Sara agreed. "Can I come over?" She asked and bit her lip nervously. She knew she could just portal to Ava's house but that didn't seem right after everything that happened between them.

Gary hesitated before nodding. "Come over in thirty minutes. I'll wake her up and let her know you're on your way."

"Okay, great." Sara sighed in relief, feeling a like a heavy weight had just been lifted off her. She turned around to leave the room and end the call.

"And Sara?"

Sara turned back around and looked at him, "yeah?"

"Be as honest with her as you were with me. That's the only way this will get resolved; if you're completely honest."

Sara nodded and sniffed. "I know... I will. Thanks, Gary." She gave him a small smile before Gideon ended the call.

Gary bit his lip.

He hoped that Ava wouldn't be upset with him for letting Sara come over, but he knew that it needed to be done. It didn't do any good for both women to grieve their relationship when they could just talk about what happened and resolve it.

He went back into the bedroom and sat down next to Ava. "Ava? Ava, wake up." He gently shook her.

Ava sat up with a jolt, her breathing labored and her heart racing. She relaxed when she realized that it was just Gary, scooting back to lean against the headboard of the bed.

"What is it, Gary?"

Gary took in a deep breath before rushing out, "Sara called you and she asked to come over and I said yes."

Ava blinked once. Then again. Then she frowned. "What. Why did you do that?" She finally said, too tired to argue about it.

"Because... because, let's face it. You're miserable, Ava. And from the way Sara looked, I can tell she feels the same. She wants to talk about what happened... and apologize for it. You deserve to be happy... and Sara makes you happy. Please don't be mad."

Ava sighed, "I'm not mad. I just don't know if I'm ready to see her again. I miss her so much but... I'm still upset about what happened." She was already on the verge of tears from just thinking about Sara.

"I know. But, you can tell her that now. You can be honest about how it made you feel and she can tell you what made her do it." Gary said, sounding awfully mature for someone who needed almost constant guidance from Ava in the office.

Ava stayed quiet for a moment. "Okay, fine. You're right. I should change, though. God, I must look awful."

Gary shook his head, "you look beautiful. But, I do think you should change. And brush your teeth." He chuckled.

Ava raised her eyebrow. "Are you saying I smell?" She asked, pretending to be serious as she slowly got out of bed.

"What?! No! Of course not! You smell great! You always smell great! I just—" Gary stopped when he saw the grin on Ava's face and knew that she was just teasing him.

"Hey." He pouted and stood up.

"Oh, come on. You have to admit... your reaction was hilarious." Ava said in between giggles, feeling something other than sadness for the first time since the breakup.

"Fine. Maybe a little. Now, go get changed. Sara will be here in about..." Gary looked at the watch section of his time courier, "twenty minutes." He smiled at her before leaving the room.

Ava quickly got dressed, happy to be out of what she'd been wearing for the past three days, which was her bureau suit. She put on a long sleeved white shirt and some pants, putting her hair up into a high ponytail. She went into the bathroom and grimaced at her reflection. Her eyes were red from crying and there were definitely bags under her eyes.

She brushed her teeth, used the restroom, then left the room and went to the living room. This was when she started to feel nervous. It felt like months since she'd seen Sara, even though she knew logically that it was only a few days.

A familiar 'whoosh' sound echoed in the room and Ava looked up to see Sara, who looked as nervous as Ava felt.

"Hey..." Sara said with a wobbly smile, it was obvious she'd been crying.

"Hey." Echoed Ava, surprised by the sudden raspiness of her own voice. "You wanted to talk?" She asked once she'd cleared her throat, going to sit on the couch.

"Yeah... um..." Sara was never like this. She looked so unsure of herself, her usual confidence and bravado gone.

She tentatively sat down on the couch next to Ava, leaving enough space between them so they weren't touching.

"I first want to say sorry. I shouldn't have broken up with you... fuck, I feel so guilty. I never wanted to hurt you... I wanted to protect you. From me... there's so much darkness in me, Aves. You deserve better than that."

Ava didn't know how to respond to that at first.

She didn't think that would be the reason Sara did what she did. She thought the problem might've been what ruined Ava's previous relationships; Ava's tendency to be a workaholic and to put her job above everything else, Ava's stubbornness and lack of confidence, Ava's slight awkwardness when it came to dealing with emotions.

She didn't expect the reason to not be because of her.

"I know about your past." Ava reminded her. "I read your files years before we met. I know everything... and that doesn't affect the way I feel about you. It never did." She whispered, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable despite knowing this needed to be done.

Sara choked on her tears. "How? How does it not bother you? Or change how you feel about me?" She asked, not bothering to wipe her tears away. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around Ava and hold her, she missed the Director being in her arms. She missed everything.

"Because I know you. You're the strongest person I've ever met. You did some things you regret... I have too, but you still continue to live everyday to the fullest. You still fight your demons everyday and win. You... you love with a fierceness I've never seen before. You're amazing, Sara. Truly amazing." Ava finished, still looking at Sara like she meant everything to her, like she deserved everything good in the world. Like she deserved to be loved.

That broke Sara.

She hid her face in her hands and sobbed, everything she'd been holding in for the past three days coming out. She didn't hold anything back, she didn't have the energy to anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Ava. I'm so damn sorry. For everything." She cried, slowly lowering her hands to look at Ava, who was crying just as much as she was.

"I thought you deserved better than me. I thought you'd be safer and happier with someone else." Sara continued, her heart aching like it never had before. "I thought you'd realize one day how fucked up I am and realize that you made a mistake by dating me. I thought you'd eventually think I'm too much to handle... that my baggage isn't worth our relationship and that you'd leave."

"God, Sara." Ava exhaled, taking Sara's hand in hers. She needed to feel her after not having seen her for what seemed like ages. "You aren't fucked up. You're not perfect but... who is? Being with you made me happier than I've ever been... I've never loved someone as much as I love you. Everything about you I love... from your favourite breakfast being oatmeal... which I still don't understand," Sara giggled, "to your vulnerable moments like this. I knew what I was getting into, I knew everything and I still showed up to our date in that ridiculously uncomfortable dress because I wanted to impress you. Because I wanted this to work."

Sara blinked. "You love me?"

Ava rolled her eyes fondly and squeezed Sara's hand. "That's all you got from that?" She asked in a teasing voice before she got serious again. "Yes, I love you. And I know it's probably too soon to say it but... I've felt this way for awhile now." She felt relieved when Sara didn't look like she wanted to leave after she dropped the 'l' word this soon.

"I get if you don't feel the same way. I wouldn't blame you, really. I know we've only been together for a couple months and—"

"I love you too."

Ava stopped, did she hear that right? "You... you love me?" She asked, needing confirmation that she wasn't just imagining that.

Sara chuckled tearfully and nodded, "yeah, I do. Why... why do you look so surprised?" She was confused by that, Ava looked surprised and somewhat... confused?

"It's just that... I'm a workaholic. I'm awkward... I'm not good with emotions... I don't... I'm insecure a lot, I don't trust easily... I'm... me." Ava tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy and Sara felt her heart ache. Could Ava really not see how amazing she was?

Sara swallowed, her throat feeling tight with emotion. "Exactly. You're you, and that's why I love you. Every flaw... every quirk... everything. I love it all. I love /you, Ava."

At hearing Sara say those three words again, Ava felt her heart fill with warm and fuzzy feelings, feelings she wasn't sure she'd ever felt before. "Can I touch you?" Ava had to ask, not knowing if they were still in that 'awkward exes' phase.

Sara responded by standing up and taking Ava's hand, pulling her up to her feet before she hugged her tightly. She hid her face in her neck. "I'm sorry..." she whispered through her tears, tightening her arms around Ava.

Ava hugged Sara back just as tightly, the feeling of Sara in her arms again made a fresh wave of tears spill down her cheeks. God, she'd missed this. Ava had never considered herself a very tactile person. She wasn't a hugger, and she preferred short touches rather than hugs and embraces. Everything changed when she met Sara and she actually found herself at times craving to be in Sara's arms.

"I know, darling. I know." Ava whispered, feeling Sara melt into her at the pet name.

Sara sniffed and nodded, closing her eyes as she let herself enjoy this embrace. "I'll do anything to make this right. I want you to trust me again. I... I miss this. I miss us."

"I miss us too." Admitted Ava, holding Sara closer before she slowly loosened her grip. She pulled away enough to where she could look into Sara's eyes. "I want... I want this again. But, I want to take it slow." She said, cupping Sara's cheek and gently wiping away her tears.

Sara understood that. She knew that it would still take some time for Ava to fully trust her again. But, Sara would do anything she could to prove that she wouldn't hurt Ava like this again.

"I get it. I promise... you won't regret this." Sara smiled and leaned against Ava's hand, both women finally feeling content.

Sara decided not to tell Ava about Gary's protectiveness of her. She was pretty sure Ava knew the extent of it and Sara, if she were honest, respected Gary for standing his ground even when he was talking to an upset ex-assassin.

She hugged Ava again, not being able to stop herself. She felt so lucky, so grateful that Ava was giving her a second chance. Suddenly, she felt something rumbling and giggled when she realized that it was Ava's stomach.

"You hungry, babe?" She asked and grinned, pulling away and looking up at Ava, seeing a blush spread across the Director's cheeks.

"Maybe a little bit." Ava's stomach growled again. "Okay, a lot." She amended with a chuckle, her arms still loosely around Sara.

"Well then... how about I make you something. I'm not the best cook but... I can make pizza." Sara smiled and took Ava's hand, walking her into the kitchen.

"Make a pizza?" Ava raised her eyebrow. "Make it or take it out of the box and put it in the oven?" She giggled and watched Sara stumble for words.

"Okay, maybe. But, pizza is pizza" Sara blushed and shrugged, getting a frozen pizza out of Ava's freezer and preparing it to be put in the oven.

Gary walked into the room and grinned when he saw Sara and Ava 'making' a pizza together. He knew they would resolve everything, and he couldn't help but feel proud of himself for helping Ava with something that wasn't related to work.

"Ava..." Gary walked over to her, noting that she already looked happier.

Ava turned around and smiled at him, "Gary, thank you... for everything you've done for me the past few days. And for staying here. It means a lot to me to have a friend like you."

Gary's eyes widened almost comically. "Friend? We're friends?" He asked, his grin only growing and he seemed genuinely surprised.

They'd been colleagues for awhile before Ava became the Director. He didn't know where he stood with her when he was technically her subordinate. So, he was happy to know that he still her friend even after everything.

"Of course—" Ava was cut off suddenly by Gary rushing over to hug her tightly.

Normally, she'd pull away immediately or maybe indulge him for a couple seconds before stopping it. But, this time she hugged him back for several seconds and then pulled away, smiling at him.

"Now... you should go home and get some rest. I know you didn't sleep much while you were here because you were worried about me." Ava said, Sara watching this interaction.

Gary looked at Sara before looking back at Ava. "Okay... I'll see you at work tomorrow?" He asked, knowing Ava would be eager to get back to the office after two days of not being there.

"See you then."

They said their goodbyes and Gary left through a portal.

"I didn't know you and Gary were... that close." Sara commented as she put the pizza in the oven and set a timer. "I'm glad you have him... that he was there for you when I wasn't."

Ava nodded, "he's a great guy." She agreed before blushing shyly and taking Sara's hand. "What should we do while the pizza cooks?" She asked, slowly lacing their fingers together.

Normally, Sara would suggest they go to the bedroom and spend their time there. But, she knew that Ava wanted to take this slow so, instead, she said, "we can finally start that show I was trying to get you to watch."

They walked into the living room, not letting go of the other's hand.

"What is it called again?" Ava asked.

"'Wynnona Earp'. Trust me... you'll love it." Sara grinned and fell down onto the couch, picking up the TV remote. The force of her fall took Ava down with her and the taller woman ended up half on top of Sara.

Ava giggled and scooted over so that she wasn't blocking Sara's view of the TV. "What is it about? I forgot" She said, tightening her grip on Sara's hand as she watched the captain scroll through the shows on Netflix.

"Well... without spoiling anything, it's about this woman named Wynnona and she..."

Ava was mesmerized by Sara's voice, she'd always found it to be so inexplicably soothing. She watched the way Sara's lips moved when she pronounced certain words and watched Sara's eyes light up as she talked about the plot.

This wouldn't be easy at first, Ava was sure nothing worth it in life ever was. But, Ava wanted this to work, and so did Sara. They were going to figure it out. Together.


End file.
